FOR THE BROKENHEARTED MINISTRIES
God redeems marriages
We are living proof
God redeems marriages
We are living proof
I remember all too clearly as I drove home from a conference one peculiar evening. The worship melodies were pumping through my radio and my hand was hanging out the sunroof in praise to the King! Psalm 22:3 became surreal to me as I first-handedly experienced "the Lord inhabiting the praises of His people." He had made His presence known to me in those divine moments.
As the Spirit led, I began reminiscing how the speaker at this conference provided encouragement to stop facing life challenges on your own. That God desires to walk with us, through the fire (our difficulties), so we could embrace freedom on the other side. Not only to receive freedom from our struggles but freedom from ourselves...
As these thoughts danced through my mind, I turned down the worship song and I began to genuinely pray out loud...
“I am tired of avoiding You! I know there is refining that You need to complete in me and I have been resisting the process in fear. I want You to know that You have my full permission to take my hand and lead me through the fire. I trust that You will be with me and You will guide me while not abandoning me. I want to be purified through this valley, so I can look more like you.”
While the words gracefully dripped off my tongue, their sweet aroma beckoned the Lord to walk with me through a long, grueling, heart-shattering season of sifting and testing... but this time the outcome would be different! I would be set free!
Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find it, knock and the door will be opened to you. (Luke 11:9)
Within one month of this prayer, God removed the veil I wrongfully placed before my eyes and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. The man I married had an attraction to alcohol and chose to start walking down a dangerous path.
Jason had his eyes on me for several years before I gave any notice to him. He would tell his friends that he wanted to catch me. I was too busy pursuing other things at the time, until one day our eyes locked and all I knew is I wanted to be caught, by him. He dazzled me with his good looks and big muscles. Before I knew it we dashed to the altar to come before God and our family to say “I do.” Our engagement happened rather quickly, which was typical for our impulsive behavior at the time. I came from a background of people-pleasers and perfectionists, coupled with my own rebellion. While Jason’s past consisted of abuse and addiction. This was a concoction that reeked the smell of divorce before the start of it. Together, we carried more baggage than a Boeing 747. I might have claimed, at the time, that my bags were Louis Vuitton while his were just a plain, black garbage bag. Yet the reality, it's all baggage no matter how clever you dress up the sack. You might as well had the dump trucks come and deposit all of our garbage on our new front lawn. To think that somehow wedding bells would have made all that disappear was plain ignorance. If anything, marriage only magnetized it. Our baggage was screaming to be sifted through.
When God removed the veil from my eyes, Jason and I had only been married for three months. The honeymoon was coming to an abrupt end and my security in what I wrongly placed my hope in was slipping through my fingers. The way I began to notice that Jason had more than a simple interest in alcohol was when I tried to take it away from him. He became more angry at the thought of not being able to drink. The more I tried to pull it away, the more he held on to the bottle. Our fears, frustrations, addictions and pride were literally in a tug of war. The arguments were frequent and verbal abuse became a common way of communication for the both of us. This was the beginning of a two year sifting season I boldly came to the Throne of Grace and requested for God to walk me through.
Unless you are an approval addict, or in recovery. You might have questioned my background when I mentioned it earlier. You tend to master the ability to paint a “perfect” picture of life while sweeping ugly stuff under the rug. Not confronting the big, mysterious, pink elephant in the room became common ground and a safe place for me to live. In my early twenties, I became obsessed with falsely aligning my truth to appear perfect and put together, for all who were watching to “approve” and ultimately glorify myself. This was the place I strived to be in. I had a “reputation of being alive, but I was dead” (Rev 3:1). The truth is, I was hiding a dark past from my years of rebellion and running from God. It was drugs, booze, working at topless bars, men, men, and more men. It was men because I desperately was looking, in all the wrong places, for a man to love me unconditionally. Not knowing that I was completely and extravagantly loved and accepted by the One who crafted me. The Lord wanted to heal several broken areas in my life. He was not only concerned about healing Jason, He desired to heal us both. He was going to use the path my husband chose, coupled with my daily surrender to God's unconditional love, to lead us to freedom. If you remember, I asked the Lord to "mold me into looking more like His Son" and His Son is LOVE... agape Love!
Time after time I would attempt to somehow change Jason. I wanted answers! I wanted change! I didn’t realize the change I desperately craved was found in a place that could ONLY come from within. I had to change, regardless if Jason changed.
That single-handedly was one of the most difficult truths to swallow. Especially when you have gone great lengths to appear like you are doing everything right. I would cling to the fact that Jason was out of control and I was the one who took care of everything, making the good decisions. Besides I was checking my box by going to church on Sunday. Wasn’t that good enough? What could God possibly want me to change? All it took was for that one question, and God began to reveal the weakness of my flesh.
“A wise woman builds her home, but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” (Proverbs 14:1)
Through my self-righteous anger, control, bitterness, and conditional love for my husband, I played a role in tearing down my house with my own hands and it was time for me to recognize it. The Holy Spirit was asking for His job back. He said, “You're not allowed to be Jason's Holy Spirit." The only conviction that was going to take place within my husband would be if it came from the Spirit, Himself!
We give little consideration to the power of our words. Our tongue has the power to speak life or death, blessings or curses (Proverbs 18:21, James 3:10). I tormented Jason with words. If I yelled at his face, screaming profanities and acting foolish; I would rationalize that I didn’t see my behavior as a problem because all I could acknowledge was his self-destructive choices. As if I somehow gained a free-pass to speak outside of love and spew hate. I would give him conditions and threaten to leave him as a form of consequence if he did not behave the way I wanted, which is classic manipulation. Again, that did not come from a place of love, instead it came from a place of control and that never turns out for anyones benefit, especially mine.
Slowly my perspective began to shift while clinging to the Lord’s cloak. A person does not change because they think they want to. It is through partnering with God, where authentic transformation occurs from the inside-out. I would “pour out my heart like water before the face of the Lord” (Lamentations 2:19) and ask Him to fill me up with His Love, so that through me it would splash onto my husband. You see, Jesus said, "In order to be His disciple, I must first deny myself and then pick up my cross daily and follow Him" (Luke 9:23). While Jesus hung on a tree, beaten to the point He was unrecognizable, He cried out to God and said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do" (Luke 23:24). This is Who we are following and this is the example we are to emulate. Yet notice what Jesus said must happen in order to mimic Him...
SELF must die! In other words; your rights, your desires, your position, your comfort, your flesh can no longer rule over you. Its where mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13) and love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). It's where your flesh has now been crucified to the point it is unrecognizable. "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, you willingly turn to them the other cheek also" (Matthew 5:39). If you are reading this and think to yourself, "I could never do that!" With all do respect, it's because you have not denied yourself and "self" still rules over you.
One night, I was tested in my “self” seeking ways. Jason had mentioned he was going to move some furniture for a friend and he would be back before 9:00 pm. When that time had come and gone, I began to feel that awful pit in my stomach that I was all too familiar with. After several attempts in calling him, I realized he had turned his cell phone off and was on a binge for the rest of the night. Instead of calling my friends, like I usually did, I decided to stomp it out with the Lord. The “old irrational Holly” (the one who had not died to self) would have left hateful voice messages on his cell phone and then greet Jason at the door with his suitcase in my hand, while throwing it on the lawn for all the neighbors to see. Instead, that night I cried for hours before God, taking my petition to Him. God questioned why I would be in the bedroom crying for mySELF, instead of crying for my lost husband who had been deceived. Jason clearly did not know who he currently was, otherwise he would not participate in this kind of destructive behavior. My perspective was beginning to change. Compassion was knocking on my door.
The following morning, at the site of Jason not returning home the night before, a rush of pain cascaded over me like the rush of water from Niagara Falls. It jolted me into instantaneous prayer; the kind of prayer which has you in the fetal position praying for God’s power to emerge in any form or fashion. I was exhausted, not just from last night, but from living and dealing with a spouse who was determined to self-destruct at any cost. I was also weary from my own behavior of suffering as a codependent trying to control everything, combined with unforgiveness, bitterness and anger. You see, the evil eyes of addiction and codependency were also on my prized possession….our marriage!
As I poured myself out, I kept hearing the Lord whisper over me, “Forgive him.”
Surely I was not hearing God tell me to forgive him, but the longer I prayed the more I heard it.
“Forgive him!”
I cried out to the Lord, “I can’t forgive him because if I do, it will make IT all right.”
Just then He spoke into my Spirit and said, “Holly, forgiving him does not make it all right, it makes YOU alright.”
I clung onto those words and told the Lord if He wanted me to forgive my husband then He would have to do it for me. I begged Him for His mighty power to fill these dry bones and release His Grace on Jason, through me.
While I was in prayer, God gave me the perfect opportunity. Jason was calling for the first time, since the previous night. Filled with God’s Grace, I answered the phone and Jason was rolling up his sleeves, expecting a fight. He immediately started with excuses and I stopped him. I said gently with love, “Jason, you do not owe me an explanation. Just know that I forgive you and that I want you to come home because I miss you.” In complete shock, he began to weep. He repeated several times how he was sorry and did not know why he did this to me. I continued to hold him in a place of love and just reminded him that he was forgiven. I recognized immediately how the grip of anger had no control the moment I gave over to Grace. There was such freedom for both the giver and the receiver. I understood what God meant when He told me that forgiveness made “me” all right.
When we hung up the phone God whispered in my ear to go cook my husband a steak dinner. I chuckled and thought to myself, how God was pushing it. Within the hour, I was at the grocery store picking out Jason’s favorite kind of steak. I even had the butcher slice the meat in the shape of a heart. When he got home, I served him and loved him unconditionally. That evening was a night I will never forget, we connected in a supernatural way. For a brief moment in the chaotic world of addictions, two people came together all in the name of Grace. Did Jason decide to quit drinking that night? No! Although I learned something special, I learned how to forgive my husband.
Several months carried on and the signs of Jason changing were nowhere to be found. But I was growing stronger in my relationship with God and I was beginning to look like Christ, the more I was squeezed by trials. Before I died to self, when circumstances poked me; only anger, frustration, offense, and bitterness would ooze out! Now, mercy, love, and grace were becoming my fragrance!
I often traveled with my job and I was called away to Austin, TX for several days. Jason promised that he would not drink while I was gone, and for some strange reason I believed him. Probably out of pure exhaustion. One night while I was away, I called him and he responded in a cold, calloused voice,
“Holly, I am going to the bar.” I knew immediately the power of alcohol was speaking.
“You told me you were not going to drink.” I said.
“I don’t care what I told you, I am going to the bar whether you like it or not.”
Before he could hang up, I told him without thinking that if he went to the bar to get drunk, then I would not continue with this behavior. He did as I expected and shouted into the phone,
“Then LEAVE!”
All that was left was an eerie silence from him hanging up.
Once again my heart was shattered into a million pieces and the tears began to flow into my lap.
When was this cycle ever going to end? How much longer would I endure this season? I found myself back on the floor pouring out my heart to the Lord and reading scriptures from Isaiah. In chapter 52, verse 11 it says, “Depart, Depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord.” I knew full well in my Spirit from reading this verse that the Lord had freed me to separate (NOT divorce) from Jason. The question that remained was, where would I depart to?
Minutes later my dear friend called and randomly asked me to come stay with her while God settled this with Jason once and for all. My mission was clear. God wanted me to love Jason through this time of separation. I was forbidden to play any games, like I had played in the past. I could not “pretend” as if I did not care and act as if I were moving on. I was armed only in Truth and Love. Jason could recognize something was different about me. He saw the Light illuminating in me from a distance, but he was unable to grasp it in its entirety. Once God temporarily removed me from Jason’s path and my feeble attempts in trying to be his Holy Spirit, I saw the fingerprints of God move swiftly.
Mark, an associate pastor of Second Baptist Church, happened to be flipping through his rolodex of business cards. He fell upon Jason’s contact information and decided he would call to see if Jason and I would like to teach couples bible study. He hounded Jason’s cell phone until he gave up and called Mark back. This Pastor wanted to meet for lunch and Jason reluctantly agreed assuming that Mark was secretly informed about our separation and his mission was to counsel Jason. The funny thing is, Mark clearly had no idea what was really going on. At the time, Jason was fully given over to his poor choices and deeply desired to keep it a secret. So when they met for lunch, Jason, in his assumption of Mark knowing immediately tried to defend his position in our separation. Mark revealed to him that he had no idea about any of this, but now felt involved and obligated to help. God was beginning to break down the walls!
I got a phone call from Mark letting me know what had transpired and I agreed to meet with them for a counseling session that following Monday. Jason and I were still separated.
Friday evening, three days before our meeting with Mark, Jason felt inspired by the Spirit to get on his knees and genuinely seek the Lord about his lifestyle. Within 24 hours, he had encountered an answer from the Lord in a way that shook Jason to the core.
“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find it, knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9).
By 10:00 A.M. Monday morning, I was in Mark’s office. When Jason entered the room, he authentically got down on his knees and wept before me. He was not interested in choosing destructive behavior over this marriage anymore. I knew by the way Jason was talking that there was something different about him. I knew that my sovereign God had gotten a hold of my husband's heart and rescued him. There was no mistaking it, something had radically changed! Jason had encountered God!
Over the next several years we began to work slowly at repairing the relationship. Our marriage was thirsty for healing and the road to trusting was long. We chose to seek Christian council and remained brave as we faced the bumpy road ahead.
During this time, I realized that if I had divorced Jason and not chosen to be refined by the "Refiners fire," then I ultimately would not had been set free. Only to wind up finding a new relationship that attracted the same baggage. Because let's face it, baggage attracts baggage! Until I'm free, I would have repeated the same scenario.
We individually continued our work in dying to self, which brought forth great wisdom and revelation. Many tough obstacles presented themselves to us, but we remained steadfast in God’s Truth. His Word was “a lamp unto our feet and the Light unto our path” day by day. (Psalm 119:105)
Through our journey of healing, humbly we came clean to each other on past sins we committed against one another in our marriage. We each extended grace and pardoned our sins. In order to rebuild a broken relationship, it must be established on a foundation of truth. There can be no secrets in order to truly heal.
I have had the privilege of watching my husband transform into the man God called him to be. He is so gifted, with many, many talents. He is a top leader in business and is quick to volunteer himself for those in need. He is highly respected in the community and he makes wise choices for our family. Yet, his love for me and our two children are at the core of his heart! His loyalty to us, is unshakable! I often think the reason Jason possesses such strength and good moral character is because of the challenges he has overcome! I am honored to call him, MINE!
Here is some truth I have learned along the way of becoming Love (Christ) in marriage:
I didn't wake up this morning for my husband to cater to my needs or to speak my love language. I woke up with the intent of loving him! Period!
If I only woke up each day for Jason to meet my needs, then he gets to determine how I feel that day. Which means, I am only doing as good as he is treating me.
The truth is, I am doing as good as God is, who lives inside of me, and He is stable! It is the Lord, in me, who is established in love. God does not need me to love Him, He flourishes in loving me. So then, why would I need love from my husband? I flourish in loving him. Not because my husband loves me back, instead it's because I am rooted and grounded in Agape Love (Jesus)!
Today, Jason and I stand for marriage! Beloved, we believe no matter how far you have gone or how grave the sin, God’s greatest desire is to redeem your marriage and to draw you unto Him! He wants to teach you the meaning of Grace and the freedom it offers! Ultimately, He wants to craft you into His image of Love and then beckon you to go out and multiply it!
I also believe that “the enemy is a thief who has come to steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10).
He wants to cause division in the home and has his evil eye on your prized possession! Wake Up!
As the Spirit led, I began reminiscing how the speaker at this conference provided encouragement to stop facing life challenges on your own. That God desires to walk with us, through the fire (our difficulties), so we could embrace freedom on the other side. Not only to receive freedom from our struggles but freedom from ourselves...
As these thoughts danced through my mind, I turned down the worship song and I began to genuinely pray out loud...
“I am tired of avoiding You! I know there is refining that You need to complete in me and I have been resisting the process in fear. I want You to know that You have my full permission to take my hand and lead me through the fire. I trust that You will be with me and You will guide me while not abandoning me. I want to be purified through this valley, so I can look more like you.”
While the words gracefully dripped off my tongue, their sweet aroma beckoned the Lord to walk with me through a long, grueling, heart-shattering season of sifting and testing... but this time the outcome would be different! I would be set free!
Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find it, knock and the door will be opened to you. (Luke 11:9)
Within one month of this prayer, God removed the veil I wrongfully placed before my eyes and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. The man I married had an attraction to alcohol and chose to start walking down a dangerous path.
Jason had his eyes on me for several years before I gave any notice to him. He would tell his friends that he wanted to catch me. I was too busy pursuing other things at the time, until one day our eyes locked and all I knew is I wanted to be caught, by him. He dazzled me with his good looks and big muscles. Before I knew it we dashed to the altar to come before God and our family to say “I do.” Our engagement happened rather quickly, which was typical for our impulsive behavior at the time. I came from a background of people-pleasers and perfectionists, coupled with my own rebellion. While Jason’s past consisted of abuse and addiction. This was a concoction that reeked the smell of divorce before the start of it. Together, we carried more baggage than a Boeing 747. I might have claimed, at the time, that my bags were Louis Vuitton while his were just a plain, black garbage bag. Yet the reality, it's all baggage no matter how clever you dress up the sack. You might as well had the dump trucks come and deposit all of our garbage on our new front lawn. To think that somehow wedding bells would have made all that disappear was plain ignorance. If anything, marriage only magnetized it. Our baggage was screaming to be sifted through.
When God removed the veil from my eyes, Jason and I had only been married for three months. The honeymoon was coming to an abrupt end and my security in what I wrongly placed my hope in was slipping through my fingers. The way I began to notice that Jason had more than a simple interest in alcohol was when I tried to take it away from him. He became more angry at the thought of not being able to drink. The more I tried to pull it away, the more he held on to the bottle. Our fears, frustrations, addictions and pride were literally in a tug of war. The arguments were frequent and verbal abuse became a common way of communication for the both of us. This was the beginning of a two year sifting season I boldly came to the Throne of Grace and requested for God to walk me through.
Unless you are an approval addict, or in recovery. You might have questioned my background when I mentioned it earlier. You tend to master the ability to paint a “perfect” picture of life while sweeping ugly stuff under the rug. Not confronting the big, mysterious, pink elephant in the room became common ground and a safe place for me to live. In my early twenties, I became obsessed with falsely aligning my truth to appear perfect and put together, for all who were watching to “approve” and ultimately glorify myself. This was the place I strived to be in. I had a “reputation of being alive, but I was dead” (Rev 3:1). The truth is, I was hiding a dark past from my years of rebellion and running from God. It was drugs, booze, working at topless bars, men, men, and more men. It was men because I desperately was looking, in all the wrong places, for a man to love me unconditionally. Not knowing that I was completely and extravagantly loved and accepted by the One who crafted me. The Lord wanted to heal several broken areas in my life. He was not only concerned about healing Jason, He desired to heal us both. He was going to use the path my husband chose, coupled with my daily surrender to God's unconditional love, to lead us to freedom. If you remember, I asked the Lord to "mold me into looking more like His Son" and His Son is LOVE... agape Love!
Time after time I would attempt to somehow change Jason. I wanted answers! I wanted change! I didn’t realize the change I desperately craved was found in a place that could ONLY come from within. I had to change, regardless if Jason changed.
That single-handedly was one of the most difficult truths to swallow. Especially when you have gone great lengths to appear like you are doing everything right. I would cling to the fact that Jason was out of control and I was the one who took care of everything, making the good decisions. Besides I was checking my box by going to church on Sunday. Wasn’t that good enough? What could God possibly want me to change? All it took was for that one question, and God began to reveal the weakness of my flesh.
“A wise woman builds her home, but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” (Proverbs 14:1)
Through my self-righteous anger, control, bitterness, and conditional love for my husband, I played a role in tearing down my house with my own hands and it was time for me to recognize it. The Holy Spirit was asking for His job back. He said, “You're not allowed to be Jason's Holy Spirit." The only conviction that was going to take place within my husband would be if it came from the Spirit, Himself!
We give little consideration to the power of our words. Our tongue has the power to speak life or death, blessings or curses (Proverbs 18:21, James 3:10). I tormented Jason with words. If I yelled at his face, screaming profanities and acting foolish; I would rationalize that I didn’t see my behavior as a problem because all I could acknowledge was his self-destructive choices. As if I somehow gained a free-pass to speak outside of love and spew hate. I would give him conditions and threaten to leave him as a form of consequence if he did not behave the way I wanted, which is classic manipulation. Again, that did not come from a place of love, instead it came from a place of control and that never turns out for anyones benefit, especially mine.
Slowly my perspective began to shift while clinging to the Lord’s cloak. A person does not change because they think they want to. It is through partnering with God, where authentic transformation occurs from the inside-out. I would “pour out my heart like water before the face of the Lord” (Lamentations 2:19) and ask Him to fill me up with His Love, so that through me it would splash onto my husband. You see, Jesus said, "In order to be His disciple, I must first deny myself and then pick up my cross daily and follow Him" (Luke 9:23). While Jesus hung on a tree, beaten to the point He was unrecognizable, He cried out to God and said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do" (Luke 23:24). This is Who we are following and this is the example we are to emulate. Yet notice what Jesus said must happen in order to mimic Him...
SELF must die! In other words; your rights, your desires, your position, your comfort, your flesh can no longer rule over you. Its where mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13) and love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). It's where your flesh has now been crucified to the point it is unrecognizable. "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, you willingly turn to them the other cheek also" (Matthew 5:39). If you are reading this and think to yourself, "I could never do that!" With all do respect, it's because you have not denied yourself and "self" still rules over you.
One night, I was tested in my “self” seeking ways. Jason had mentioned he was going to move some furniture for a friend and he would be back before 9:00 pm. When that time had come and gone, I began to feel that awful pit in my stomach that I was all too familiar with. After several attempts in calling him, I realized he had turned his cell phone off and was on a binge for the rest of the night. Instead of calling my friends, like I usually did, I decided to stomp it out with the Lord. The “old irrational Holly” (the one who had not died to self) would have left hateful voice messages on his cell phone and then greet Jason at the door with his suitcase in my hand, while throwing it on the lawn for all the neighbors to see. Instead, that night I cried for hours before God, taking my petition to Him. God questioned why I would be in the bedroom crying for mySELF, instead of crying for my lost husband who had been deceived. Jason clearly did not know who he currently was, otherwise he would not participate in this kind of destructive behavior. My perspective was beginning to change. Compassion was knocking on my door.
The following morning, at the site of Jason not returning home the night before, a rush of pain cascaded over me like the rush of water from Niagara Falls. It jolted me into instantaneous prayer; the kind of prayer which has you in the fetal position praying for God’s power to emerge in any form or fashion. I was exhausted, not just from last night, but from living and dealing with a spouse who was determined to self-destruct at any cost. I was also weary from my own behavior of suffering as a codependent trying to control everything, combined with unforgiveness, bitterness and anger. You see, the evil eyes of addiction and codependency were also on my prized possession….our marriage!
As I poured myself out, I kept hearing the Lord whisper over me, “Forgive him.”
Surely I was not hearing God tell me to forgive him, but the longer I prayed the more I heard it.
“Forgive him!”
I cried out to the Lord, “I can’t forgive him because if I do, it will make IT all right.”
Just then He spoke into my Spirit and said, “Holly, forgiving him does not make it all right, it makes YOU alright.”
I clung onto those words and told the Lord if He wanted me to forgive my husband then He would have to do it for me. I begged Him for His mighty power to fill these dry bones and release His Grace on Jason, through me.
While I was in prayer, God gave me the perfect opportunity. Jason was calling for the first time, since the previous night. Filled with God’s Grace, I answered the phone and Jason was rolling up his sleeves, expecting a fight. He immediately started with excuses and I stopped him. I said gently with love, “Jason, you do not owe me an explanation. Just know that I forgive you and that I want you to come home because I miss you.” In complete shock, he began to weep. He repeated several times how he was sorry and did not know why he did this to me. I continued to hold him in a place of love and just reminded him that he was forgiven. I recognized immediately how the grip of anger had no control the moment I gave over to Grace. There was such freedom for both the giver and the receiver. I understood what God meant when He told me that forgiveness made “me” all right.
When we hung up the phone God whispered in my ear to go cook my husband a steak dinner. I chuckled and thought to myself, how God was pushing it. Within the hour, I was at the grocery store picking out Jason’s favorite kind of steak. I even had the butcher slice the meat in the shape of a heart. When he got home, I served him and loved him unconditionally. That evening was a night I will never forget, we connected in a supernatural way. For a brief moment in the chaotic world of addictions, two people came together all in the name of Grace. Did Jason decide to quit drinking that night? No! Although I learned something special, I learned how to forgive my husband.
Several months carried on and the signs of Jason changing were nowhere to be found. But I was growing stronger in my relationship with God and I was beginning to look like Christ, the more I was squeezed by trials. Before I died to self, when circumstances poked me; only anger, frustration, offense, and bitterness would ooze out! Now, mercy, love, and grace were becoming my fragrance!
I often traveled with my job and I was called away to Austin, TX for several days. Jason promised that he would not drink while I was gone, and for some strange reason I believed him. Probably out of pure exhaustion. One night while I was away, I called him and he responded in a cold, calloused voice,
“Holly, I am going to the bar.” I knew immediately the power of alcohol was speaking.
“You told me you were not going to drink.” I said.
“I don’t care what I told you, I am going to the bar whether you like it or not.”
Before he could hang up, I told him without thinking that if he went to the bar to get drunk, then I would not continue with this behavior. He did as I expected and shouted into the phone,
“Then LEAVE!”
All that was left was an eerie silence from him hanging up.
Once again my heart was shattered into a million pieces and the tears began to flow into my lap.
When was this cycle ever going to end? How much longer would I endure this season? I found myself back on the floor pouring out my heart to the Lord and reading scriptures from Isaiah. In chapter 52, verse 11 it says, “Depart, Depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord.” I knew full well in my Spirit from reading this verse that the Lord had freed me to separate (NOT divorce) from Jason. The question that remained was, where would I depart to?
Minutes later my dear friend called and randomly asked me to come stay with her while God settled this with Jason once and for all. My mission was clear. God wanted me to love Jason through this time of separation. I was forbidden to play any games, like I had played in the past. I could not “pretend” as if I did not care and act as if I were moving on. I was armed only in Truth and Love. Jason could recognize something was different about me. He saw the Light illuminating in me from a distance, but he was unable to grasp it in its entirety. Once God temporarily removed me from Jason’s path and my feeble attempts in trying to be his Holy Spirit, I saw the fingerprints of God move swiftly.
Mark, an associate pastor of Second Baptist Church, happened to be flipping through his rolodex of business cards. He fell upon Jason’s contact information and decided he would call to see if Jason and I would like to teach couples bible study. He hounded Jason’s cell phone until he gave up and called Mark back. This Pastor wanted to meet for lunch and Jason reluctantly agreed assuming that Mark was secretly informed about our separation and his mission was to counsel Jason. The funny thing is, Mark clearly had no idea what was really going on. At the time, Jason was fully given over to his poor choices and deeply desired to keep it a secret. So when they met for lunch, Jason, in his assumption of Mark knowing immediately tried to defend his position in our separation. Mark revealed to him that he had no idea about any of this, but now felt involved and obligated to help. God was beginning to break down the walls!
I got a phone call from Mark letting me know what had transpired and I agreed to meet with them for a counseling session that following Monday. Jason and I were still separated.
Friday evening, three days before our meeting with Mark, Jason felt inspired by the Spirit to get on his knees and genuinely seek the Lord about his lifestyle. Within 24 hours, he had encountered an answer from the Lord in a way that shook Jason to the core.
“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find it, knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9).
By 10:00 A.M. Monday morning, I was in Mark’s office. When Jason entered the room, he authentically got down on his knees and wept before me. He was not interested in choosing destructive behavior over this marriage anymore. I knew by the way Jason was talking that there was something different about him. I knew that my sovereign God had gotten a hold of my husband's heart and rescued him. There was no mistaking it, something had radically changed! Jason had encountered God!
Over the next several years we began to work slowly at repairing the relationship. Our marriage was thirsty for healing and the road to trusting was long. We chose to seek Christian council and remained brave as we faced the bumpy road ahead.
During this time, I realized that if I had divorced Jason and not chosen to be refined by the "Refiners fire," then I ultimately would not had been set free. Only to wind up finding a new relationship that attracted the same baggage. Because let's face it, baggage attracts baggage! Until I'm free, I would have repeated the same scenario.
We individually continued our work in dying to self, which brought forth great wisdom and revelation. Many tough obstacles presented themselves to us, but we remained steadfast in God’s Truth. His Word was “a lamp unto our feet and the Light unto our path” day by day. (Psalm 119:105)
Through our journey of healing, humbly we came clean to each other on past sins we committed against one another in our marriage. We each extended grace and pardoned our sins. In order to rebuild a broken relationship, it must be established on a foundation of truth. There can be no secrets in order to truly heal.
I have had the privilege of watching my husband transform into the man God called him to be. He is so gifted, with many, many talents. He is a top leader in business and is quick to volunteer himself for those in need. He is highly respected in the community and he makes wise choices for our family. Yet, his love for me and our two children are at the core of his heart! His loyalty to us, is unshakable! I often think the reason Jason possesses such strength and good moral character is because of the challenges he has overcome! I am honored to call him, MINE!
Here is some truth I have learned along the way of becoming Love (Christ) in marriage:
I didn't wake up this morning for my husband to cater to my needs or to speak my love language. I woke up with the intent of loving him! Period!
If I only woke up each day for Jason to meet my needs, then he gets to determine how I feel that day. Which means, I am only doing as good as he is treating me.
The truth is, I am doing as good as God is, who lives inside of me, and He is stable! It is the Lord, in me, who is established in love. God does not need me to love Him, He flourishes in loving me. So then, why would I need love from my husband? I flourish in loving him. Not because my husband loves me back, instead it's because I am rooted and grounded in Agape Love (Jesus)!
Today, Jason and I stand for marriage! Beloved, we believe no matter how far you have gone or how grave the sin, God’s greatest desire is to redeem your marriage and to draw you unto Him! He wants to teach you the meaning of Grace and the freedom it offers! Ultimately, He wants to craft you into His image of Love and then beckon you to go out and multiply it!
I also believe that “the enemy is a thief who has come to steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10).
He wants to cause division in the home and has his evil eye on your prized possession! Wake Up!
“Two are better than one…if one falls down, his mate can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
